Intimate Connection Collection

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Solo Sexual Desire Discrepancies

January 16, 20233 min read

I can hear you saying,

“Wait. Did you just say solo sexual desire discrepancies? Does that even make sense?”

Sexual desire discrepancies are typically … or always … discussed in the context of a long term relationship.

Which makes sense, right?

When you think of a discrepancy, it’s about a difference or a mismatch in something between two or more things.

In this case, it’s about a discrepancy or difference or mismatch in sex drive or sexual desires between you and your partner or partners and usually after a period of time, when things have changed for a variety of reasons.

But I think this causes us to miss out on an important aspect of sexual desire discrepancy.

Because there’s a discrepancy any time we have shame about who we are sexually, or what we want, and we keep it inside our own heads rather than saying it … because we’re scared to say it.

So there’s a discrepancy between what we really want and what we experience.

Or between what’s in our own heads and what’s happening in reality.

Which may involve a long term relationship, or any sexual encounter, or be just within ourselves … hence, the solo sexual desire discrepancy title.

This kind of discrepancy is just as important to talk about because being locked in the silence and shame of it doesn’t solve anything. It only perpetuates the problem and increases shame and feeling alone about it, like there’s something wrong or broken or not normal about you.

Which there’s not.

But it’s only by talking about it and being open and vulnerable about it that we can really know that and move past it.

It tends to get lost in the general sexual desire discrepancy conversation though because that conversation focuses on long term relationships, and primarily on differences in sex drive or desire.

But differences in desires between partners (not only desire) is also a discrepancy that needs to be part of the conversation and the solo version of it that I just talked about needs to be part of the conversation as well.

It’s another type of discrepancy.

And all of what I’ve shared before in terms of ways to overcome a discrepancy still applies even if the difference is one that’s just within yourself.

It’s still about …

  1. Discovering and accepting your uniqueness.

  2. Shifting expectations that you were conditioned to have.

  3. Figuring out and dealing with the reason underneath.

  4. Creating time and space for sexual exploration.

  5. Going deeper with different types of sexual activity.

  6. Learning.

  7. Building sexual confidence.

  8. Cultivating a sexual growth mindset.

  9. Possibly using technology.

  10. And considering working with a sex and intimacy coach like me.

You can check that other post out for more details about each of those solutions.

Now, you may have noticed that I referred to solo sexual desire discrepancies … plural … in the title.

But I’ve only talked about one version of that so far.

There’s another one.

In that past post, I shared a definition of sexual desire discrepancy that I like, which is:

“When the sex each of you wants doesn’t match within your relationship, causing anxiety or distress.”

But what if you don’t actually know what you want?

This is a huge factor for so many people.

And it adds to that discrepancy inside yourself … the fact that you’re not satisfied with how things are, but you’re not sure why, or even what you’d want instead.

You feel shame about it, so you stay silent and go along with how things are because it’s the way things “should” be and there must just be something wrong with you.



You just get to discover what you really want.

Which is very much a part of those ten solutions that I shared above.

So, let me know which of the solo desire discrepancies you're experiencing. I’d love to know.

And see you in the next post!

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Leanne Chesser

Hi! I'm Leanne. I'm a intimacy coach and creator of Connection for Couples and the 5C System. I help couples create connected relationships and build foundations for intimacy, emotionally intelligent communication and sexual authenticity and go from feeling like disconnected roommates to connected, intimate partners again. You can learn more at

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