As I mentioned in the previous post, there are three key foundations to creating the sex life that you really want.

Let’s look at these in a bit more depth.

The first foundation is that it isn’t about surface, random solutions that aren’t really solutions.

There’s a quote that I love that speaks into this and it says this:

“Those who experience optimal sexuality have learned to ignore conventional performance expectations in order to listen to and take responsibility for their own hearts’ desires.” ~ Peggy Kleinplatz

Those conventional performance expectations are in the realm of what I call “surface, random solutions.”

They don’t work because they look outside of you and are usually about mechanics, so they don’t work long term.

You can put all kinds of Band-Aids on the surface of a problem or something you want to change and it might even help temporarily. But it doesn’t result in a real difference because it doesn’t deal with the actual issue underneath.

What matters is discovering and expressing your own uniqueness … your own hearts’ desires as the quote says.

And that brings me to the second foundation, which is that creating the sex life you really want is actually about discovering and expressing who you uniquely are.

In other words, your sexual self-identity in all the ways underneath the “shoulds” and expectations … things like:

• Your personality and superpowers.

• Your values.

• Your vision for your sex life

• Your desires or the things you like and don’t like, what’s a hard no, what’s a hell yes, what’s a whispering curiosity, what turns you on and off, how do you like to be touched by yourself or others, how do you like to be talked to.

• Your sexual orientation.

• Your gender identity.

• Your fantasies.

• Your anatomy and your body and your relationship with it.

• Your needs and how do things like menopause, illness, chronic pain, abilities, culture, values, aging, etc. contribute to your sexual expression.

• How you like to communicate about sex.

• What pleasure is for you.

Those … and more … are things I support you in gaining clarity around when we work together.

And discovering and expressing who you uniquely are is sexual confidence, which is knowing who you are sexually, feeling good about it and knowing how to communicate and express it.

Someone I talked to recently said this:

“If I could just feel more confident, I would have better sex. It’s hard to enjoy sex when you’re worried about what someone else is looking at and when you’re beating yourself up in your head.” 

This is VERY common.

And that brings me to the third foundation, which is that mindset is key. It’s about discovering and shifting all the things that get in the way of being your unique self … all that stuff from out there in the world that tells you you’re wrong or broken … all the stuff out there that shames and silences who we are, our uniqueness and our hearts’ true desires.

The author of the quote I shared earlier says there are eight things that are necessary for awesome sex.

Things like authenticity, vulnerability, being present and taking risks.

But when we’ve been silenced for who we are and when we feel shamed for our authentic selves, it hugely impacts these things.

One of the most common struggles that I've heard through many recent conversations with people is that what's going on in their sex life in reality is WAY different than what they really want inside their own heads.

A major reason for the discrepancy is shame. Shame as a result of all the stuff out there in the world that tells us that who we are and what we want is wrong in some fundamental way.

But wrong compared to what?

Compared to a bullshit standard that doesn't actually exist ... but feels very real as it silences, suppresses and stifles all the beautiful things that make us unique.

… Until we find ourselves living in this state of conflict between what's locked up and secret inside our heads and what's experienced in our lives on a regular basis.

… To the point where we aren't even sure anymore about what it is that we desire. or sometimes who we are.

Have YOU ever felt like certain sexual things are wrong or would be judged by others and so you hold back and don't act on them ... but those things you think are wrong are the things you actually, really want?

I totally get it because that used to be me.

I used to feel like there had to be something wrong with me or like I was broken because I had certain fantasies and desires and I thought my partner would judge me for them.

I heard they were wrong all through my life and so I just expected to keep being judged for them.

And I kept them just inside my own head.

But that made things worse and created a conflict between who I was/what I wanted, and what was happening in reality.

I finally got to the point where I decided that something needed to change and I started saying what was true for me.

There was a lot that happened before that point. A lot of work on myself. A lot of deep mindset stuff and self-discovery.

But through a combination of it all, I was able to heal the shame I experienced in my life, come to really understand and accept who I am and what I want and then actually express that.

Now, it's not all locked up and silent just inside my own head and I have real, honest, open and awesomely sexy conversations with my partner. We talked about and started doing things that feel good and satisfying and authentic for both of us.

Secret things that I judged and worried that others would judge are now expressed and I feel confident about them.

It feels free instead of frustrating and all held inside.

I have a feeling that’s what you’d like as well.

So, keep reading because I’ll be talking all about how to do that.

Until then, let me know what questions you have about your sexual identity and uniqueness that you’d like me to create posts and episodes about!